Dear Mr. Clause Dear Santa,
I am sorry for the burnt cookies last year. I was on the computer and didn’t hear the timer. I’m sure you understand. This year I’ll try no-bake cookies. (You’re not still mad about the play-dough cookies, are you? I was only eight and that was my mother’s idea. I promise). I hope they didn’t give you heartburn.
You’ve always been great when I asked for new paints or slippers, so I thought I’d ask for something that I feel is much more necessary to my well being… Would one of your elves be willing to move to my house next year? He would need to be a great typist and able to read my handwriting, which I understand may be difficult at the best of times. (I can’t help but remember the year you brought me a lumber truck instead of a rubber duck.)
The elf should be able to correct grammar and suggest great plot turns and enjoy outlandish discussions as to whether industrial England or the old west would be the best place to plant a zombie story.
Also, I hate to ask, but could you bring me new readers, and maybe even a top 100 Amazon rank in my genre? I’ve worked hard this year but find that kind of success difficult.
And reviews. While I understand that you may be too busy to personally read my books, could perhaps one of the reindeer take a few hours off? I think Blitzen would really enjoy my latest. He doesn’t even have to give me five stars. I’d be happy with three or four. Maybe he could get all of the reindeer to give me ratings?
While I’d like to remind you how very good I’ve been this year, we both know it isn’t true. There was the unfortunate incident with the paper clips, which while technically not my fault, did result in words that no doubt turned your ears as red as your suit. Surely you can understand that as a writer it is important that I use the correct word in every situation?
And I didn’t mean to imply that you were overweight in that last story. It’s just that you do have a taste for cookies. And that does lead to a certain rotundness. How could I describe Santa without mentioning it?
But other than that, I’ve been VERY good this year.
Thank you for listening,
Your Ever Faithful and Very Loyal Believer,